For as long as I remember I've been hearing sexist jokes (mostly against women) and in all honesty if they're funny and not personally offensive - I laugh. Until about a year ago when I started dying it, I had blonde hair and I must have heard every blonde joke going at the time suggesting that we were pretty much all stupid, vain sl*ts (1 out of 3 right for me ). They didn't bother me then and they don't bother me now.

An individual's sense of humour is just that - individual. If people are offended by sexist jokes, they should stop reading them. Personally I was giggling at this thread until a dozen or so posts before mine and not just at the pro-women ones.

Back to a funny:

Why are men like car parking spaces?
'Cos the best ones are taken and the rest are disabled

How to be politically correct with women:

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

---

by Teresa
JEWELRY

---

She does not MISSPELL WORDS - She is just MORE EFFICIENT WITH LETTERS

(okay, I know it's probably American, but heh )

Men and Women using a Cash point machine


HIS
1. Pull up to cash point machine
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER
1. Pull up to cash point machine
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

and then theres

Men and Women take a trip

HERS:
-----

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.

2. Opens window.

3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.

4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:
----

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

4. Finally rolls down window.

5. Hocks a loogie.

6. Pulls up to a Garage.

7. Gets three hot dogs, a large coke, and beef jerky.

8. Asks guy behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

9. Gets back into car.

10. Farts.

11. After he closes the door.

12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the Garage.

13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because the guy back at the Garage said it was.

14. Almost hits a deer.

15. Curses the night.

16. Curses you.

17. Curses the large Coke.

18. Stops by the side of the road.

19. Takes a leak.

20. Still taking a leak.

21. Almost done.

22. I think.

23. Returns to car.

24. Drives and fiddles with radio.

25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

26. Admits he didn't want to go to dinner at your sister's anyway.

27. He hates your sister.

28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.

29. He had to look up pernicious.

30. Couldn't find a dictionary.

31. Finally found a dictionary.

32. Couldn't spell pernicious.

33. Seethes at the memory of it all.

34. But she is laughing inside...

35. And of course you're still lost

Sounds like Inc gave the guy the directions (Okay, before anyone spouts forth, yes I did take a wrong turn to the t-party venue, but I did say it was either up one road or the other - I just picked the wrong one *shrug*, no harm done and we were only 5 minutes later than we would have been if we'd have taken the other road.. )

LOL at all these

here's my contibution...

Women's English

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It is your decision = the correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = do what I want or you'll pay for it later
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset you moron
You're so manly = you need a shave and you sweat alot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = take of your shoes and watch some TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me?! = Too late you're dead
Nothing = Everything

Men's English
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
What's wrong? = I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this
What's wrong? = What meaningless self inflicted childhood trauma are you going through now?
Yes. I like your hair like that = But it looked better before
(While Shopping) I like that one = Pick any dress. Now. Please.

---

by Desire

(While Shopping) I like that one = Pick any dress. Now. Please.

---

Hmmmmmm ?!!?!!?!

---

by Sweet-Sange
5. Hocks a loogie.

---

---

by Avenger
(quotes)

---

Pig like snorting inducing snot to travel from nasel cavities and then expelled by mouth. ok I knew that would be too discriptive

---

by Sweet-Sange
(quotes)


Pig like snorting inducing snot to travel from nasel cavities and then expelled by mouth. ok I knew that would be too discriptive

---

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

This one's for Yvonne! And any other 'natural blondes' - and that includes me!

ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2
in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked
up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should
I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The
husband asked, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't
know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast is
clear."

TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices
a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this
person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here,
let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the
compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says,
"You dummy, it's me!"

THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde
is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy "W":

FIVE

What did the blonde say to her doctor when
he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIX
A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped." Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began.
"I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.
So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was
....""Uh, ma'am",the officer said, cutting her off, "There
isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised(!).
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to
find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

EIGHT
A blonde was driving home, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop.
The shop owner decided to have some fun, and told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard & all the dents would pop out. So, she went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe.
Nothing happened. She blew a little harder & still nothing happened. Her roommate saw her and asked, "What the
heck are you doing?" She told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, Hello! You need to roll up the windows first!!"

NINE
A blonde's doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."

TEN
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with her at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I?
It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

ELEVEN
So there's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,
"You are on the other side!"

TWELVE:
Two blondes were walking through the woods
and came upon a set of tracks.
One blonde said that they were deer tracks.
The other blonde said that they were moose
tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.

As a blonde can I just say LOL

I'm sure I've been a blonde at some point in the last 5 years so... lol

Warning beer contains women hormones

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.