oh dear.

Well first of all, your friend really needs to evaluate her engagement to her fiance... she's done this twice, to his supposed best friend, that doesn't bode well, so obviously she's not considering his feelings in all of this.

She has no right to put you in this kind of predicament.. she obviously knows that you're good friends with her fiance, and she has no right to expect this of you. Tell her this.. this isn't fair to you. If anyone has to do any "telling", then it should be her, to her fiance.

I'd advise that you tell her that you're staying out of it, that it was unfair of her to tell you what she's done. She's asked you not to break a confidence, and despite it all, you should respect that, it's not your business to tell him, it's hers.. and she should. Consider how your friend would feel if you told him what she did?..

I'd tell her that you want no part of it, and advise her to come clean to him

(and if she's sleeping with the best friend, what is she doing engaged to your friend... she's got a strange idea of love and respect i think )

I think that would be for the best ,just stay out of it, I just cant believe shes done it, I really never thought she was that type of person, shes throwing away 28 months with someone who would do ANYTHING for her, i cant even find someone to buy me a drink!!! I just dont get it!

The other thing is she thinks it will never get back to him, but what I said is on one of their drunken nights out you never know what will get said, and also if the fiance and his mate fall out, what better to use against him!!

I totally agree with Keenangel, very sound advice, I'd say, however just to put my 'twopenith' in. I have been in a similar predicament, whereas I was the one who the dirt was being laid on, (if you catch my drift) and I must say that there is nothing worse than not only finding out that your so called lover has dumped on you, but the worse thing is that your friends all knew about it, and they come out of the woodwork, and pipe up with 'Well I did know, but didn't like to say, it's not my place' Whereas Keen is totally right in the fact, that it is not your place to say anything, she should do that!! and you should not break a friend's confidence,no matter how bad. I would advise that you very strongly impress on her, that by telling you, you feel obligated to tell him, as he also is a mate, and you would want to know if it was you. Put it like a polite threat if you like, not that you would do it, but give her the nudge to do the right thing. Good Luck

You're so right.. these things have a tendency to resurrect.. they never stay buried and they're never forgotten.. and if they get married, and he finds out through a third party then??.. fallout very bad

To reiterate, you're better off staying well out of it.. she obviously doesn't know a good thing going if it's right in front of her face.. and that's sad.

Thanks for the advice, i was so stressed when she told me, but i think you`re definitley right! I`ll talk to her tomorrow! xx

I agree with what Keenangel said. I mean, what did she really think to achieve by telling you in the first place, Eve?? Making you feel like crap? Mission accomplished!! Don't know the full story, obviously, maybe he's sleeping with HER best friend, but it seems like he should kick her to the kerb and all that...

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by Eve
I really never thought she was that type of person, shes throwing away 28 months with someone who would do ANYTHING for her,

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I can appreciate your anger for your friend, she appears to have a good life with her fiance. But perhaps she has niggling doubts about settling down, getting married or whatever. She could be looking at the bestmate as a way out (not a good one I admit) or to test her real feeling towards her fiance (not exactly a nice way of doing it)

If you are going to talk to her, don't judge her or let her think you agree or sympathise with what she is doing. Don't let her ask what you would do in the same situation as she would be looking for support.

Simply ask her what she's feeling and what her intentions would be in the various possible outcomes. Most outcomes will boil down to her honesty or lack of honesty with all parties though

I think your friend should tell her fiance that she needs some time to think things over.

I have a friend who married her fiance at 18, pregnant, having slept with his best friend, not really knowing who she was pregnant by, she went on to have another 3 by her husband, who knocked her around, she then had a breakdown, and left her husband with the kids, and she walked away with nothing - she still doesn't see her kids 8 years on - the moral of this tale? -
if your friend isn't being faithful then she's not sure if she doing the right thing, and she needs to call it off before it's too late - it seems hard at the time, ending any relationship is difficult - but it will be better in the long run for all concerned.

The problem is - when someone treats you well it's so hard to walk away from that, even if you know deep down that you don't have a real future with them - don't be too hard on her - it's just her human nature.

I think she just needed someone to confide in Eve - she obviously trusts you, even though it's put you in an awkward position - she has honoured you.

Definately don't tell - If the fiance is really madly in love with your friend then he'll believe her over you and you'll end up loosing the friendship of both of them. I know, its happened to me. (I'm far too honest for my own good sometimes)

I agree with what everyone else said tho'. Talk to her. Tell her to sort herself out!!

don't tell him, and don't let anyone else know she told you this, if your her fiance finds out, act like you never knew about it. in the mean time i'd advise your mate to decide if she really does wanna marry him or not.

If I were you, I'd use all my time trying to get your mate to tell her fiancee. If he finds out from anyone else, even you, it would ruin their engagement. She's got to tell him.

OK, here's some more advice in a similar vain.

First, a question. How good a friend is the girl who slept with her partner's best friend? You have to ask yourself where your loyalties lie.

Taking it that she is a good friend then the next issue is the fiancée. He has to know. If the relationship is to last, and a relationship needs trust, and trust based on lies (or withheld truths) has a tendency to blow up. He needs to know. And the best person to tell him isn't you. She has to tell him, and the best thing you can do is make sure she does. I don't agree that her sleeping with someone else makes her a bad partner, or even necessarily means that she wants out. We all make mistakes. The thing about mistakes is that you have to face up to them are deal with them, not run away. Maybe they'll come out of it stronger. Maybe they won't, but pretending it didn't happen will only make sure it causes problems later on. Problems that will hurt you as your now (not by choice) part of it. If she won't tell him, then I think you'll probably have to. Not with advice about dumping, but matter-of-factly and making it clear you want to help in any way you can.

Finally, just a thought, no one has mentioned what a [rat] the best friend is for sleeping with his mates partner...

Takes two to tango.

Edited for language - Pegasus

(Edited by Pegasus 31/05/2002 13:00)

But the best friend could be trying to do his mate a favour. Anyway, technically he's not the one being unfaithful...

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by Eve
She begged me not to tell him but AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

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Blackmail is such an ugly word...

Well, illegal financial opportunities aside, I say just tell your friend what you actually think. IF you think she shouldn't have burdened you with this, tell her. If you think she needs to tell her intended about the affair (once could possibly be a mistake, twice is something else, like say complete betrayal) then let her know.

If I were in your position I'd tell the girl that she needs to sort this with her fiance before the wedding, otherwise there may well be messy court battles and legal fees as well as the undoubted heartache.

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by Jango
But the best friend could be trying to do his mate a favour. Anyway, technically he's not the one being unfaithful...

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Actually, yes he was. Unfaithful to a friend. Maybe me and my friends work on different rules, but here's a few we taken as read: You do not date their sister/brother; You do not date an ex without express permission; You do not chase after someone you know your mate fancies without asking first; And you do not, on pain of death, sleep with your mates partner - that's unforgivable.

And sorry about the swearing earlier - flu addled brain let that one slip.

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by MonSTeR
(quotes)

Blackmail is such an ugly word...

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LOL

Well I spoke to her and she told me to just forget it and that its all in the past so I`ve decided she can just do what she wants, let her ruin her life if thats what shes determined to do because things like that dont stay secret, as much as she`d like to think they do!!!

Also, her fiancee was talking to me on msn last night saying wouldnt it be nice for us all to go out for lunch next weekend....yeah very nice and AWKWARD!!!!!

BTW whoever suggested it hes not sleeping with her best friend because thats either her married sister or me!!



(Edited by Eve 31/05/2002 19:29)

no advice to give here, but i hope it works out for you and your friends