Tangent 21 - Advice Needed.

Posted by
Keenangel

Posted on
11:17
Sep 05 2002

Advice Needed.

I got back from my holidays at the weekend, to discover that my parents have separated. The marriage has been in trouble for a long time, it wasn't really a shock, i think that it happened whilst i was away and so quickly, was. As far as my mum is concerned, it's all over (they were married almost 35 years), but my dad is having a hard time accepting this. In fact, he just isn't, he thinks in a couple of weeks she'll change her mind and come back as if nothing has happened. We've all told her (me, mum and my two siblings) that he has to be prepared for her not coming back.

I saw dad at the weekend, he loves my kids, so i thought i'd keep in touch for their sakes. But now my dad has started to phone me, ostensively to enquire about things, but soon the subject drags back to my mum, what's going on and the circumstances of the split (in a nutshell, it's his fault but he prefers to blame everyone else but himself). I told him not to bad-mouth my mum or anyone else, that he was looking for excuses and hung up on him (something i've never done to anyone before). It made me reach a decision. When i was on holiday, he took it on himself to phone my sister all the time, using the same pretences, and it drove her to the verge of a breakdown, and as i'm not as strong-willed as her (she is usually, the stronger,more opininionated one), i knew he'd transfer this "attention" to me. I spoke to my mother and told her that i couldn't see him. I didn't want to talk to, hear from or see him.. and i was keeping the kids away from him as a result. I looked at it as though, if i'm constantly stressed from all of this, it will affect my kids. And my kids and Ray are what's most important. I feel my dad is trying to gain sympathy, trying to make sides and i'm not being a party to any of that. My mum fully understands and accepts this. She saw my dad last night and told him. I knew he wouldn't take this well, but i had to make this decision for my peace of mind. Well, this morning, guess what?.. he phoned... I just told him i wasn't talking to him and hung straight up. (Some of you will be aware that my feelings towards my father in general are a little ambiguous at best)

I know some of you have divorced parents, and i was wondering on how you coped with the situation when they first separated.. and how it affects you. It also feels a little weird to me as i'm 33 years old, not exactly a child.

But if you'd prefer to email me with your thoughts, stories etc, privately, then my email addy is in my profile, keenangel@tangent21.com. Thanks

(Edited by Keenangel 05/09/2002 11:23)

3 Replies and 788 Views in Total.

Sydney You can lead the whore to culture but you can't make her think!

well first off Keeny loads and loads of *hugs*! Sounds like you need them.

My family life is far from conventional! I never really knew my father and for a long time as far as I was concerned my younger brothers father was 'Dad' as he and my mum married when I was 4/5 years old. They seperated when I was about 11 years old and to be honest it didn't bother me that much as I knew the reasons behind the split and despite my tender years thought my mum was better off without him! My brother was too young to really unedrstand what was going on and so wasn't bothered either.

The distressing stuff happened later when my mum started seeing someone else. 'Dad' became verbally abusive to my Mum and physically violent towards her new partner. There was an occasion where he tried to kick in my Grandparents door to try and get at us. All of which was at the time increadably distressing for me. The important thing to realise here is that he wasn't at all a violent person and when it became absolutely clear that my Mum was never going to ressurect the relationship he hasn't been violent since. It was the situation that brought on this 'abnormal' behavior

If your Dad is having a hard time letting go then this is something you really need to keep an eye on because it won't just be your Mum in the firing line if he reacts badly to seeing her to be getting on with her life without him. You and your siblings will get dragged into it and obviously it may affect your children to see Grandad behaving like that

Sorry i can't really offer any advice on whats happening right now but *fingers crossed* you'll never have to deal with what I had to

And once again *Hugest huggles*

Posted: 12:47 Sep 05 2002

Milky "Busted - Now that you're gone, I'm sleeping with the light on..." Pof, 2005

My parents split up when I was 11. I can vaguely remember what happened and I do know it affected me greatly(I have vowed never to cheat on a partner and I never will!) Also at the time it affected my behavioir. I started getting in trouble at school and generally felt it was my fault. A conversation with my dad where he explained things sorted out that though.

My dad then used to try and make me and my brother take sides as did my mum but I just made a concious decision not to talk to them about it..if they asked/talked about the other I would ask them to stop..worked for me...However the circumstances in our two cases are different and being older it's easier to understand whats happened/happening.

Maybe you should explain to your dad that you can't speak to him about your mum etc and that if he continues to do it your going to stop seeing him..might work...hope I've been of some help

Posted: 12:50 Sep 05 2002

Jayjay "I may be scattered / A little shattered / What does it matter / No one has a fit like I do / I'm the only one that fits you"

Well, my folks split when I was five, and I don't think I was aware of what had happened at the time. In fact, I remember being .. nine, I think .. and sat on a bus and thinking to myself 'my parents are divorced' - so guess that's when I worked it out. My mum tells me that after he left I brightened up and relaxed, and that I was a nervous child because I could hear them arguing every night. However, I have absolutely no memory of this period of my life. I don't know many people with as little memory of their childhood as I do, and I don't think the two things are unrelated.

Mum always made a point of not letting her feelings about my dad be known until we were adults, so that we didn't feel we had to take sides, and I admire her for that. However, my dad was more than capable of .. annoying .. his children all on his own and none of us grew up with a high opinion of him.

But, more relevent to your current situation might be my sister's situation. She finally had her fill of my dad around eighteen, but she now has two lovely daughters. While she didn't really want anything to do with our dad, she put a brave face on so as not to deprive her daughters of a grandfather. However, he seemed to continue his behaviour of lies and let downs to his grandchildren as he did towards us. Soon, they didn't want any more to do with him than we did. And my sister decided to start restricting his access, so he couldn't hurt them like he'd hurt us.

Don't know how much of that is applicable to you, but I hope it's some use. Personally, I know what my dad's like, my problem is that I haven't found the guts to turn round and tell him. I just keep avoiding him, trying to make sure no one passes on my details to him so he can't try to contact me. Guess it's about time I stopped hiding and started saying what I need to say.

Posted: 14:50 Sep 05 2002

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