Honey, first of all, how old are you?

Believe me, i'm not trying to tell you your feelings, but wow..

I believe in love, i believe in marriage. God knows i've been married for eleven and a half years. I adore Ray, he's my soulmate, my only one and i wouldn't be where i am today without him. We had nothing when we married, no money, no home, nothing.. and everything that we've achieved it's been through hard work and patience. We've had a lot of downs, what with Joel's autism and Hannah's prematurity and almost losing her, but we've had a lot of ups.. I met Ray when i was 18, almost 19.. (I was, he jokes, his 19th birthday present ) We wanted to get engaged about 5 months after we met, and my parents hit the roof.. we waited til the following April when i was 20. We got married at 22.. which is incredibly young, and fortunately it works.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but you sound a little young to be even thinking about marriage.. There's a whole world out there for you, university, a career etc, which i know, yes, you can do with a husband in tow.. You say that after 8 months you still feel the same way about him from the first time you met him, and that's wonderful.. but how can you say that you'll feel the same in a year, two years or even five?..( no one does really, even me)

My parents have just reconciled after a three month break in their marriage.. they've been married for 35 years. My in laws have been married for 43 years. My sister in law is divorced, my brother is about to be.. my sister and i are both very happily married. A marriage is what you make of it, the happy times are fantastic, but would you be prepared to face the hard times together?, problems together?, because sometimes that's when a marriage does start to become unstuck. There is also give and take, compromise, yada, yada.

So, what is it i'm trying to say?.. hmmmm..

It took me a little time to fall in love with Ray..it didn't happen instantly, but after time i knew he was "The One", and i don't regret marrying him. I don't have the gift of clairvoyance, or fortune telling, but i think i'm pretty confident that we're in this for the long haul. You need to think absolutely carefully if Matt is indeed the one for you, could you see yourself with him in five, ten or even twenty years time?.. Could you handle a crisis together should one ever arise?.

I think maybe waiting a little longer.. Matt, as you say, is keen on you spending your lives together... i would advise caution and patience, there is nothing wrong with a committment.. there doesn't seem to be much committment about these days. Maybe give yourselves a couple of years to think more about it, get used to the possibilities, that sort of stuff, don't rush into anything

I really hope it works out for you honey, and i hope i haven't upset you, as that's the last thing i want to do.

Sending *hugs*

I'm 15. I think I have it figured out what we'll do. I just think we'll have a break when I go to Uni or when he goes to Canada in 2004. Love used to scare me but then you realise there are two sides to it. The good side and the bad side.

Matt doesn't have much patience but he knows we won't settle down together for a long time. Neither of us have felt like this for anyone before, even if we do split we'll still have something there. Even if we're not soulmates or whatever, we'll still have memories cos of the 8 months we spent together which can never be erased. Sounds corny and immature from a 15 year old, but I've unfortunately had to mature a lot quicker.

Keeny I feel I will feel the same in a few years because I still feel the same from when we met. May have not been a great start to our relationship but we have been through a lot for couples our age.
I've faced some really hard times, unfortunately. I've had to see things between my parents and hear things that have made me see a different aspect of life. My councellor says my sister and I are like the parents because our parents act so much like children.

I don't intend to elope or anything. I know we have some tough times ahead. When he goes to Canada for Ski la gap, which has been his dream all of his life he wants me to go with him! But it will be in the middle of my AS levels. He doesn't wanna break up when he goes, but he is going for atleast 2 or 3 months! I'll be at a different school then so who knows what will happen

Keeny thanks for the advice *hugs back*, have you and Ray ever split up? Or been close?

(Edited by lizzieslayer 29/11/2002 11:16)

Yeah of course I believe in love, soul mates? hmmm i think there are soul mates but not jsut one for each person, doubt i'll ever find one though altough I have been within 3 feet of one of them, Susanna Hoffs

I think I let my true love walk away eight years ago. I thought I was being noble, by standing aside as she was getting on with a friend of mine who was nearer to the univerisity she was going to.

She thought I was being without a backbone and thought my not reacting meant that there was nothing between us anyhow, which I found out when eight years later we had a argument about the breakup, an argument which seems to have proved fatal to the friendship due to the time it took to come out and her not realising that after all that time I still had strong feelings for her, feelings according to her she had no idea I had even when we were going out.

You may have found the person, but at 15 you will not know it for sure, go with the flow and if you are still together in 10 years you will know what to do.

I belive in Marriage and Love.

I belive in true love and soul mates. The two sometimes are not always the one and the same. To find the two together is rare but would be fantastic.

Love I think is definately something that grows between people. There always has to be a spark of something to begin with and I think that love develops fully over a period of time.

I have loved and I belive I will love again. I have yet to experience true love.

What is love.

Is Love is wanting to spend time with someone, sharing things with them, thinking of them when they are not there and wanting to make them happy. If being in their company and talking on the phone makes you happy.

I just don't know. I think there is a lot more to it than what I have mentioned, but it is such a difficult thing to quantify. It does tend to be quite an individual thing.

I am an old romantic at heart and therfore have an idealised view of Love and from past experience it doesn't always end up the way you think/want it too.

Anyway before I waffle on even more nad embarrass myself, I will say this. Love is something that can never be rushed and it can make you do things that you will regret later. Time is the best indication of peoples feelings and so much cna happen to change people/circumstance.

Conversely the very nature of love defies rational thought.

Honestly all I can say is you should do what makes you happy. We have but one life and you should live it. You will make mistakes and from that you will learn and grow. To complete my ramble a poncy quote. ' That which does not kill us makes us stronger'



(Edited by Koala 29/11/2002 12:24)

Lizzie: Hand on heart, we never have, never even came close, we just clicked

What you suggested is a really good idea, i think in the end, time will tell if the relationship is meant to be or not

Love is and will be the only thing i've ever belived in!!

I know it's a total cliche but I honestly think that, in the imortal words from Moulin Rouge "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return!!"

Sad I know, but something I hold close to my heart!!

I guess I've learned from my parents, they have been married for 34 years last june and were together 16 years before they had me!! Non of my family apart from 1 aunt has ever been divorced and another of my aunts belived in waiting for the right guy that much she only married at the age of 40, but she's so happy now it's untrue!!

Again with the cliches but, listen to your heart, it will let you know what to do and lead you down the right path in the end!!

I married my soulmate 7 weeks ago today So yes, I believe in true love, but that doesn't mean I necessarily believe that there's just one true love for everyone. My hubby and I had both been in love before we met each other, and both had our hearts broken...but we found each othe in the end.

As for knowing you want to spend the rest of your life with someone - well, that's a looong time! I can't quite remember when I decided that Tim was the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life...I think it was a gradual process, over the first couple of years. I still think I was very young when I met him (I was 22!), but it doesn't really matter what age you meet the right person. We have friends who are quite a lot like you and Matt sound - they've been together since she was 14 and he was 17, they stayed together even though she went away to Uni, and they're now married and have a little boy

I think you're being very sensible about things. There's no need to make big plans when you're 15, but as long as you feel the same way you stay together and see where it takes you...maybe you will be one of the lucky ones who marries their first love.

Loves an aquired taste. Like fine shrimp, it doesn't travel weel I believe many people think they are in love, when their not.

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by lizzieslayer
Keeny I feel I will feel the same in a few years because I still feel the same from when we met.

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That's only 8 months though, hon. I don't really know how you feel because I did't even get my first snog until I was 18 (slow starter, but I've made up for it since!), but that first relationship I was in felt fantastic and I thought we would be together forever. Problem is, you change so much at that time in your life that, unless you both change in the same ways, you could actually grow apart very quickly.

My first boyfriend and I got together at the start of his summer break from uni (June), and after he went back in October he seemed really distant. I suppose it was because his life was going a different way to mine. We ended it that Christmas, but in the first few months I thought I wanted to be with him forever. Then when I went to university myself a year or so later, I met another guy and we were together for nearly 2 years. We said that if we were still together when we graduated we would get engaged - we weren't.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you should really give yourself time to 'find yourself' before you decide to commit to forever with someone else. I thought I was sure a couple of times before, but you need to give it time before you really know. This time I know I am in a relationship that will last and, 4 years in, it feels wonderful! I totally believe in love, true love and soul mates. As for marriage... I would like to get married, but I can't really say why.

Good luck for the future, lizzieslayer. I hope it works out for you *hug*

I believe in love. I'm another 'hopeless romantic'. I also believe in soulmates. As for marriage, that's a little more tough. I don't believe that it's for everyone, if you're happy in a relationship and feel no urge to get married then don't. Personally I like to think that someday I'll get married and live happily ever after.....

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by PictureOfFlowers
Personally I like to think that someday I'll get married and live happily ever after.....

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Me too!!

As for marriage itself, your right, it's not for everyone, but even if you don't go through with a tradtional marriage there are other things you can do to show how much you care about each other. You could hold your own little private thing, make up your own vows and stuff, yeah it won't be legal in the eyes of the law but you know it matters and binds you in a way no vicar or official could!!

Two of my friends decided that instead of getting married right away they would change thier last names to be the same by deed poll and start a new family line together!! It isn't marriage but it's a bond and I think it's really sweet!!

Lizzie, it's so tempting to comment on your post. Something about your age and the strength of feelings you've expressed scares the .. bejesus out of us oldies. It's because we remember being your age and the mistakes we almost made, and not wanting you to make those mistakes. Because we care.

But others have commented already, and you ain't as green as you're cabbage looking. Anyone reading your posts can see that, so I'll try and stick to the questions you asked.

If it helps, my father left home when I was five. I was the eldest of three, and he played an almost negligible part in our childhood. At high school, kids with two parents (and the same ones since they were born) was as rare as a very rare thing indeed. Even those close friends whose parents were together, when we became adults I found out that even these relationships were very rocky and not always that healthy.

Through my life my thoughts on marriage have chopped and changed. But in recent years I've some to this conclusion - if it's what you want then what the hay, each to their own. I have friends who have had very traditional marriages. Others who had handfasts. Some in registry offices. Others have raised children without the need for any form of ceremony. Then there have been friends who don't believe in monogamy. Others who just like their own company. Like I said, each to their own.

As for me, if I met someone and it felt like the right thing to do, then I would consider it. Being an atheist I would have to think long and hard on how such a ceremony should be held, as I would not make vows that I did not believe in, or in the name of a deity I did not believe in. Equally, I could mot get married in any type of religious building. But that doesn't mean that I will. Nor that I won't. Nor does not getting married mean I won't have a long-term monogamous relationship.

True love and Soulmates seem to me to be the same thing. And yes, I do believe in them, but like White Hart and Spike (did I just agree with Spike!) I don't necessarily think there is only one. To me, a Soulmate is that rare thing - someone you fall deeply in love with and, somehow, you manage to change in similar ways and therefore avoid falling out of love. Lori mentioned that those teen years are a time of huge change and what you feel now is not necessarily how you'll feel in a couple of years time. But experience has taught me that the same thing is true in your twenties. And I suspect in your thirties (ask me in 10 years ). If people were to meet me 2, 5, or 8 years ago they'd meet three very different people to the person I am today. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that the person you fall in love with will remain compatible with you because of the manner in which you will both change. You can but hope...

(Edited by Jayjay 04/12/2002 01:43)

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by Jayjay
Lori mentioned that those teen years are a time of huge change and what you feel now is not necessarily how you'll feel in a couple of years time. But experience has taught me that the same thing is true in your twenties. And I suspect in your thirties

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Good point. I suppose I was just being blinkered because I changed most between the ages of 18 and 22 and was just assuming it would be the same for everyone. It hit home too when, 5 years after we split up, my first boyfriend told me that he loved me (that's why every girlfriend since me left him, apparently), and all I could think of was how much I'd changed since I'd loved him.

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by Jayjay
Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that the person you fall in love with will remain compatible with you because of the manner in which you will both change. You can but hope...

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Absolutely. I have changed enormously since I first met my husband, and so has he, but we've changed together. I've had other relationships where there was enough change in six months for it all to fall apart

I guess I'd say that true love is the love where you do keep pace with each other. And the only way you can know if it's true love is by sticking with it, and seeing if it lasts.

Love confuses the hell out of me. I used to think it was that enormously good itchy butterfly feeling you get when you're first with someone and it seems special. What I learned was that wears off, and that that isn't love.

After that feeling had worn off with Kelly I decided I must not love her, and we nearly split up. Thing is, back then I probably didnt love her...Falling in love with Kelly was something that ended up creeping up on me whilst I wasnt watching. Love isn't that seemingly permenant high of a new relationship, rather a deeper feeling, a feeling of a bond you hold on a deep level with each other. You feel it every time you think about them. That feeling seems to get stronger the longer we've been together.

I definately consider Kelly to be my soulmate. We are in tune with each other - on the same wavelength.

That doesnt mean I dont have my doubts. The nagging, unsure side of my mind like to give me doubts and then say "If you have doubts, it can't be true love". I dont think thats true though, I think if you dont have any doubts, you're not scared, and if you're not slightly scared by love, are you really sure it is love?!

When I have doubts I imagine to myself a world without Kelly, and it seems so cold and horrible it soon makes me realise again how sure I am that she is the one!

(Edited by Funky Monkey 04/12/2002 13:53)

(Edited by Funky Monkey 04/12/2002 13:54)

To me love is knowing that I couldn't/wouldn't be able to cope without that person in my life. That to imagine life without that person is unbearable. And I think when "true love" hits you , you know about it

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by Lori
It hit home too when, 5 years after we split up, my first boyfriend told me that he loved me (that's why every girlfriend since me left him, apparently), and all I could think of was how much I'd changed since I'd loved him.

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That sounds totally like the mistake I made when I told someone a simular thing. It destroyed a long friendship (not all that close which was the problem), but now I am more or less over her as the delayed breakup arguments were so painfull (she of course did not see why we were having those arguments then when I apparently faled to react in the first place). Funny thing is that now I am in a position to want to move into closer and more normal post relationship friendship phase, but she just won't talk to me now at all. Probably makes me sound crazy to mention it.

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by Gopher
Funny thing is that now I am in a position to want to move into closer and more normal post relationship friendship phase, but she just won't talk to me now at all.

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Aww. Maybe if you give it a little bit more time, she'll welcome you back as a friend again. My story with the guy mentioned above was even more complicated than I've said, and I'll tell you a bit more in the hope that it will help. We were friends at first and when I finally plucked up the courage to ask him out, he said no. I was gutted and we didn't speak for 6 months. Then I was missing him as a friend and so sent him a postcard at uni just asking how he was. He came back home for the Easter break and told me that he'd had a bad break up before and the girl had messed up in her finals - he blamed himself and vowed not to mess up anyone else's life. Basically, he did actually fancy me and we got it together. After we split up, we didn't speak again for another 6 months and that time was vital in getting back to the friendship phase. I've known him now for 10 years.

It's a difficult thing to do, but if you leave off speaking to her for a while and then come back in with something short referring to the friendship you had, she might have had time to forget the messy 'break up' emotions and switch back to being friends more easily. It's such a cliche, but time is a great healer. I hope it all works out *hug*