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George Hamilton doesn't have cancer; he is cancer
by Sheridan Miller

For years, dermatologists have been baffled by actor George Hamilton's (Love at First Bite) seeming immunity to skin cancer as decades of daily tanning sessions earned him the reputation of the tannest man in Hollywood. But tests last week revealed to Hamilton's startled physician the reason he hasn't gotten cancer: George Hamilton is cancer.


"We had our yearly cancer screening and, as with every other year, I found no signs of skin damage typical of someone who spends as much time in the sun as George," said Lennart Lindstrom, M.D., Hamilton's personal physician for the past 30 years. "But on a lark, I took some random tissue and blood samples and that's when I made the shocking discovery."

During the routine examination of the samples under a microscope, Lindstrom could find no evidence of normal, healthy cells in the tissue of the star of Zorro, The Gay Blade. "Instead, I found the purest cancer I have ever seen. Everywhere I looked—cancer, cancer, cancer.

"All these years treating George, I couldn't see the forest for the trees. Of course he can't get cancer! He is cancer! That would be like anthrax catching anthraxÂ… It's not gonna happen."

Lindstrom's shock turned to professional calm when it came to breaking the news to the 61-year-old Supertrain star. "I sat him down and just told him straight out, 'George, you are cancer.'"

Hamilton responded with his characteristic upper-crust wit: "Well, at least I'm not losing my hair." Then he winked charmingly and left the office to go home and smoke cigars and drink cosmopolitans on his reflector-surrounded patio for the rest of the day's peak tanning hours.

As to how Hamilton became cancer, or if he has been cancer his entire life, Lindstrom can only speculate. "It's possible that he was a tumor mistakenly raised as human, but then again, he was married to Alana Stewart for five years. Who knows what kind of ill effects a relationship like that could have?"

When the news of Hamilton being cancer reached the offices of the American Cancer Society, a special meeting of the board of directors was called to address some fundamental questions. Said board member Hiram Spadoni, M.D.: "We all have to take a closer look at this turn of events and answer the question, does the fight against cancer now become the fight against George Hamilton?

"Cancer takes on many forms and that's why it is so difficult to treat. We never would have guessed that one of those forms would be George Hamilton."

The news has already changed the way people talk about cancer. One San Diego woman who was diagnosed with a malignant tumor was heard throughout her doctor's office yelling, "Oh, my God. I have George Hamilton! Who is going to feed my cats?!"

Best-selling author Danielle Steele, who has been romantically linked to Hamilton for two years, said in a statement that she has no problem with dating cancer. "If George is indeed a 6-foot-tall, witty, suntanned ganglia of cancer cells, he is still a delight to be with. As aberrant cell clusters go, George is sure great at a party."

Hamilton's son Ashley (Beethoven's 2nd) has not yet been tested, but members of the medical community suspect that he is cancer, too.

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