There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?).
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives wiv him in a crib dahn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like, "Oo you lookin'at?" Gabriel just goes: "You got one up the duff, you have".

Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large. "Stop dissin' me, yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never been with no-one! So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's 6 months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She is filled with Christmas spirits. Bacadi breezers an' that. She's like, "I can proper feel me bay-bee in me tummy an' I am proper blessed. What with the extra benefits an' that. Anyway, there's the census, y'knaaa? Mary an' Joe ain't got no dosh so they 'ave to twock a donkey, an' go dahn Beflehem on that.

They get to this pub an' Mary is ready to have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room in the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals Cahs an' sheep and that. Then these three geezers turn up, lookin' proper bling. They are free wise geezers from the east end. Joe goes, "If yoo so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this frankenwotsit an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas'n'Burberry?

So anyway, they go dahn Egypt till some geezer stops killing all the first-born baybees, an' its safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and Jeezus go back to Nazaref, and Jeezus turns water into lager and that's it.

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love sent to me...
12 Chavvers chavving
11 prammers pushing
10 lads joy-riding
9 ladies drinking
8 midriffs showing
7 scallies stealing
6 teens a-laying
5 gold rings
4 stolen phones
3 navel studs
2 tracksuit tops
........and a pikey in a burberry