My donation:

---

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
I'm just driving this way to get you mad.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Don't get me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen
Allow me to introduce my selves
Better living through denial
I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up....
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done
Too many freaks not enough circuses

---

And have you ever asked yourself these questions?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How did a fool and his money get together?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

(Edited by Chambler 31/10/2005 15:14)

Is it perhaps a little worrying that these two are in such close proximity to one another?

---

by Alan
- I love cats... they taste just like chicken.
...
- The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.

---

particularly as I prefer chicken to pork...

Hah! Don't worry, I don't eat people - they get stuck in my teeth too easily for my liking!

You ask for a crap joke. I give you, David Blunkett.

Go to google.com
type in "failure"
hit "I'm feeling lucky"

why did the monkey fall outa the tree?

cause it was dead....boomboom

There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who dont

OS SCANDAL: Unix and Ms. Dos found in love nest!

Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!"

I think we have a winner - this arrived in my email today..

Went to the zoo the other day, but they only had a dog.

It was a Szhitzu.

(Edited by Stoo 07/11/2005 18:32)

Home Remedies


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.


Things I've Learned:
--------------------

· When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly, efficiently, and decisively.
· In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
· Do not just believe in miracles, rely on them.
· Past experience is always true, never be misled by present facts.
· Experience is directly proportional to the quantity of paper used or destroyed.
· A computer might help with most problems, if it doesn't, a hammer will.
· The probability of an event occurring is in inverse proportion to its desirability.
· No matter what happens, there is always some smart ass who believes that it happened according to their plan.
· New plans must give reproducible results; they should all fail in the same way.
· No new plan is a complete failure, it can always be used as a bad example.
· An interpretation may be considered good, if no more than half the research has to be discarded to obtain agreement with the plan.
· For neatness, always produce the plan first then carryout the research analysis afterwards.
· The first myth of planning management is that it exists.
· A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
· Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
· Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
· Important documents will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
· There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
· Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
· If you can't solve  it -- document it.
· Only a lack of imagination saves you from immobilizing yourself with imaginary fears.
· Gladly share experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so".

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, iron this."